What would your life be like if you could control everything?
What would you do?
Who would you become?
It’s pretty cool to think about how your life would be different if you were totally in control, right?
Here's the thing though…
We all think that if we can control everything in life then that's the key to never experiencing any pain, loss or negativity in life.
In fact, we often think that we must take control of everything.
Because when we do, then there will be no need for any of the bad stuff to happen.
And so we all go out in search of control in either one way or another.
And over time it can make your life miserable.
It can easily ruin your life if you let it.
I spent most of my life looking for control of myself, the world and the people around me.
It only made my life worse.
So, in today’s blog post, I want to share with you how to deal with control issues and create your freedom through letting go.
To do that I’m going to share five simple truths about how to deal with control issues and how to beat it in your life.
How My Control Issues Started
If you're going to understand how I learned how to deal with control issues then you'll need to know how my control issues started.
So pretty much like anyone else, they started with fear of pain.
During my childhood, I had experienced my parents being absolutely betrayed by close friends.
I grew up in a state of extreme financial distress and most of my childhood was extremely unstable.
I also suffered from crippling loneliness and, as I got older, this developed into anxiety, depression and anger management issues.
I never liked the way that I was and I eventually came to one single conclusion.
I decided that all of these negative parts of my life were as a result of me not being in control.
And so I developed this belief that the only way for me to stop experiencing pain, loss, loneliness and rejection was for me to take 100% control of everything.
If you’re reading this then I know you can probably relate to that feeling.
Believing that if you could just be more in control then bad things wouldn’t happen to you.
So, I focused my time and energy on becoming smarter.
I read books on psychology, philosophy, human dynamics, logic, reasoning and anything else that I could get my hands on that I thought would give me a foothold in learning how to control the world around me.
But of course, I didn't find the answers that I was looking for there.
So I switched my focus over to self-improvement instead.
I thought that if I couldn’t control everything through becoming smarter, then the next best thing was to be in total control of myself.
Learning To Control Myself
I read hundreds of self-help books, watched thousands of hours of YouTube videos, read hundreds of articles, went to seminars and so much more just so that I could get a little bit of insight on how to control myself and improve my life in some way.
But no matter how many books I read, how many videos I watched, or how many seminars I attended, I couldn't find the answer.
Sometimes I could take control of one area of my life for a little while. But others areas would quickly crumble.
For example, I would get super healthy but I would stop focusing on my family and friends.
One area would rise and the other would fall.
I would at one time, be able to control one area of my life, but then the other areas would quickly start to crumble after that.
And so I just kept spiralling over and over again.
This led me to Truth Number One.
Truth Number One: Life Exists In 2 Boxes
Events in life can be put into one of two boxes: things we are in control of and things we are not in control of.
Scarily, the first box is tiny.
It contains only our thoughts and our actions.
These are the only things that we are in control of.
Except when we aren’t.
Unfortunately, the small box has a lot of exceptions to it.
Sometimes your thoughts will be automatic. Sometimes your hands will be tied and your actions will be out of your control.
And then you've got box number two and that box has everything in the entire world in it.
And, at first, that can be a really terrifying concept when we learn that we are not as in control as we think we are.
In fact, almost everything in life is totally out of our control.
Trying to control everything is like trying to hold back a tsunami with your bare hands.
No matter how hard you try, nature will win.
Trying To Control The Universe (Bad Idea)
Discovering the Law of Attraction in my early 20s was amazing.
This particular branch of self-improvement taught me that the universe would respond to my thoughts and intentions.
I was taught that I could manifest anything if I put a positive intention out there.
The universe would respond and I could have whatever I wanted.
Learning this made me feel more in control than I ever had in my entire life.
For once, I wasn’t subject to any kind of authority.
I didn’t have to submit to a god, a church or the state.
I felt almost at peace with everything and I was feeling good about myself and about life for the first time ever.
All I had to do was take control of my thoughts, think positive and put my intentions out into the world.
What could be easier than that?
My life did genuinely begin to improve.
And I thought that this was all because of the law of attraction until I tried it with something bigger and more meaningful.
I put out the intention that I was going to ask this girl out that I had been in love with for like six months.
She rejected me and my entire worldview crumbled.
I learned quickly that I couldn’t just manifest things into my life.
There was very little that I could do to influence and change my life.
(Now, this isn’t to say that you can’t change your life because of course you can. It just takes more than positive intentions and “manifestation”. But we’ll get back to that later.)
All of this brings us to Truth Number Two.
Truth Number Two: We Can’t Control Our Thoughts (Most Of The Time)
Going back to that first truth, we need to remember that we aren’t in control of our thoughts (most of the time).
Most of the thinking inside our minds happens automatically.
It’s only every now and then that we take the time to actually see what’s going on in our minds.
Otherwise, your mind is happy to randomly generate meaningless thoughts for as long as you let it.
Here’s the thing about trying to control your thoughts though.
Whether it’s for positive thinking, Law of Attraction or something else, trying to take control of your thoughts and your unconscious intentions to try and manifest things or make things happen will eventually going to lead to you feeling totally miserable and powerless in the world.
Because a lot of the time we can't control our thoughts.
We just have to let them be.
Our thoughts are just thoughts.
Ultimately, they mean nothing at all.
So there’s actually no need to try and control them at all.
Trying To Control Other People Instead
And so I once again, realised that I was out of control.
This time I started to refocus on getting control in another way.
And I thought that I could do this was by learning how to control other people.
To be clear, this was not a proud time in my life at all.
It was a time when I was in a lot of pain.
And I thought that the only way for me to end that pain was to start taking control of the people around me.
I’m sure that in one way or another, we’ve all been there where we think that if we could just control another person's actions or thoughts then everything would be absolutely fine.
And some people I tried to control out of pure selfishness.
Worse still, some people I tried to control out of some strange sense of care for them as if I knew what was best.
I believed that if I could just make them do what I thought was best, then everything would be okay.
Of course that was just selfishness and fear.
And the scary part is, people can be controlled.
It happens every single day.
But controlling people comes at the expense of love in your life.
Eventually, others will hate you or you’ll come to hate yourself.
Both are not ideal.
No matter how noble I thought my intentions were, I eventually always ended up hurting myself or other people.
Which brings us to Truth Number Three.
Truth Number Three: Not Everything Is Your Responsibility
People have the right to make their own choices and to live their own lives.
This is especially the case when you disagree with them.
Because no matter how well you know someone, you'll never know what's really going on with them.
You'll never know what's going on in their mind or in their life or what's going to happen to them in their future.
You’ll never know whether or not they are going to have positive or negative outcomes.
But if you truly care for someone, then you let them make their own mistakes.
You let them take their own actions and you'll let them face whatever consequences might come.
The best way to deal with control issues surrounding people is to let them do their thing.
Trying To Control My Emotions
So at a certain point, I came to realize what a lot of people come to realize: the problem is that I'm not in control of my emotions.
And if I can get control of my emotions, then everything will be fine and I will have the control that I need.
During my childhood. I had been a very emotional child.
And as a result of a very strict religious upbringing and other events in my life, I learned how to really bottle up my emotions and ignore them.
That was what I thought emotional control was.
What I didn't realize was that I was slowly plunging myself into a state of absolute self-loathing.
The more I didn't address my emotions, the more I tried to ignore them, the more self-hatred I felt for myself.
Ultimately, I was denying who I was as a person.
And on the one hand, I craved that control of my emotions but I also wanted desperately to feel loved.
Once again, I'm sure this is something we can all relate to.
We all want to be loved.
But I also despised the vulnerability that those feelings and emotions created.
A few years back, I found myself in a potentially romantic situation.
There were very clear feelings between myself and a girl I had met at university.
And there was a lot of potential for an amazing relationship.
But I pulled back because I didn't want to release control of my emotions.
I didn't want to put myself in that state of vulnerability.
So it ended up with both of us being hurt.
And the worst thing about it was I genuinely believed that it was the right thing for both of us at the time.
And so we reach Truth Number Four.
Truth Number Four: Some Things Just Need To Happen
Some things just have to happen.
And there's nothing that you can do about it.
Yes, sometimes you're going to fall and hurt yourself.
But on the other side of it, sometimes you will fall – maybe even in love.
Ultimately you won't know until you let yourself fall.
Sometimes you just have to let yourself fall and trust that it's not going to kill you.
How I Learned To Deal With My Control Issues
Now, eventually I was able to start working through my problems in therapy.
I was able to start to understand that my need to be in control of everything was hurting me.
More importantly, it was hurting the people around me.
I started to learn how to let go of that control.
I had to learn how to accept myself and just let things be what they are, especially with the people that I cared about in life.
So, I started down a journey of self-acceptance, which has led me to where I am right now.
And it also led me to truth number five.
Truth Number Five: The Best Way To Control Life Is To Accept It
The best way to control life is to accept it as it is and understand that there actually isn't any need to change anything in the world or about yourself.
That’s right, you don’t have to change anything.
You can still go out there and make a positive impact in the world.
But you don't need to.
And to put that level of responsibility on yourself may in fact hurts you over the long term.
Again, this isn't a call for everyone to fall into a state of apathy where you don't try and make a positive difference.
But the main understanding that I have come to is that I don't need to change the world.
I don't need to change anything about myself either.
I will still try to, but I only try with the understanding that maybe I will have no impact at all.
Or maybe I'll have a negative impact on everything.
Or maybe I'll have a positive impact.
You have to realize that this is okay as well.
And I'll be honest, learning how to let go and accept things for the way that they are is extremely hard.
In fact, it was one of the hardest things I've ever learned to do.
But the payoff of learning to accept yourself for who you are is worth it.
It is the truest path to confidence, learning how to deal with control issues and becoming the best possible version of yourself.
Final Thoughts On How To Deal With Control Issues
So, I hope you’ve enjoyed this post on how to deal with control issues.
And I hope that you’ll take these five simple truths and start applying them in your life today.
If you’re ready to:
- Take your life and confidence to the next level
- Achieve your goals faster than you ever thought was possible
- Finally overcome self-doubt and become the person you’ve always known you could become
Then Confidence Coaching is the way to do it!
So, if you’re ready to work together to crush your obstacles, 10x your confidence and live a life that you love, make sure you check out the Work With Me page and arrange a FREE Discovery Call today!
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